Sweet Sara

I'm not sure what they were doing in these photos, I think they were making a cowboy play as I have videos also loaded on my camera.

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I'm learning that Sara doesn't have a "real" attachment to me. She is angry, defiant, depressed almost constantly. The mere softest chastening can throw her into a stomping-angry-howling tantrum. Today I asked her to please put the cat down before she went down the stairs, she about melted in her anger at me. She has recently begun to tell me she hates me. I know she doesn't. I can't imagine living with that inside. I know that she still misses her birth-mama, and her aunt. I know she is still having nightmares, and "bad thoughts" as she lies in bed at night. I'm doing a ton of re-reading my attachment/ older child adoption books, and picking up some refreshers on how to help her. I spoke with a very respected child therapist last weekend (during my refresher course on development of children in placement), and she has Sara on her waiting list. I hope it'll be in the next month, so we can help Sara transfer her feelings of loss. She's a beautiful girl, and lots of fun. I just want her to be happy. Really happy. Deeply happy. I want for her a life of grace and acceptance.

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Kori and Trey were blessed with a birth-mom who loved them. She was absent in mind, but they knew they were loved. Kyla had a loving foster mom for 5 months before joining our family. But Sara, she was living in chaos. How could she attach to her mother when her mother was neither present in heart, mind or being consistently? How could she begin to trust that I would take care of her needs when she is so used to meeting her own needs? We are coming up on 3 years since we met Sara, and yet I am finding that some children's hurts take longer to heal than others.